Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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