I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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