Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
