She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
