pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
