The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
