Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
