You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
