i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
