Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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