i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
