i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
