Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
