My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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