I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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