I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
