my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
