So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
