yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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