The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
