I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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