there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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