Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
