dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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