You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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