I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
