the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Less talking, more tequila
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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