Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
