I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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