my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
