I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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