an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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