and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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