Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Blood and glitter go together right?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
