Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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