His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
