just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
