I am puke
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
