this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
