just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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