ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
