while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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