Im at strip club and am horny
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
