I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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