My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Randomize
