I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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