So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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