i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
