My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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