trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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